It scared the crap out of my
mom. She was so afraid the romance novels would give me an unrealistic
expectation about romance - particularly that I would look for knight on a
white horse to save me.
Anyone who has ever read a romance novel should well
understand her concern. Romance novels do include a lot of sexist behavior and
themes.
But
what I got out of the books was a clear understanding about communication and
human behavior. I recognized that almost all problems are the result of failures
to communicate. None of the characters really talk about the important stuff and everyone is always hiding their feelings or making assumptions - most
of it out of fear of getting hurt.
I
met my husband at work and we started courting - many Muslims, as do members of other conservative faith traditions, “court” rather
than date.
Courtship takes the position that the two people have no physical contact at all (no touching, no hand-holding, no kissing) until marriage. Many in a courtship relationship will only spend time together when family members, preferably parents, are present. In addition, courting couples state up front that their intentions are to see if the other person is a suitable potential marriage partner. Courtship advocates claim that courtship allows for the two people to truly get to know each other in a more platonic setting without the pressures of physical intimacy or emotions clouding their view.
Courtship takes the position that the two people have no physical contact at all (no touching, no hand-holding, no kissing) until marriage. Many in a courtship relationship will only spend time together when family members, preferably parents, are present. In addition, courting couples state up front that their intentions are to see if the other person is a suitable potential marriage partner. Courtship advocates claim that courtship allows for the two people to truly get to know each other in a more platonic setting without the pressures of physical intimacy or emotions clouding their view.
You know, like scenes from Little House on the Prairie - boy and girl sit on the porch or in the living room of the girl's family home.
From
the beginning, I made communication priority number one. Every night I would compile about a
hundred questions to ask my husband. Literally. Every night. We courted for four months. I am sure I made his brain quite tired, but he was a real champ about it.
I
asked everything imaginable, from inconsequential (What is your favorite
color?) to major life decisions (What would you do if our teenage daughter came
home pregnant?).
His
answers were not what I was after. I deeply understood we never really know
what we would do in extreme situations or situations where we have no real
experience. We often think we know our opinion or what we would do in a particular situation - until our ideas are challenged
or intense emotions become involved.
I
had two agendas.
First, I wanted to have the discussion so I could see how he
thought. Second, I wanted to set up our relationship from the beginning as discussion focused.
His
thought process was very important to me. I needed to know if he had a thought
process. I needed to know that he could explain his opinions. I needed
to know if he could handle his ideas being questioned. I needed to know whether he
could handle a difference of opinion by a woman, a potential wife. I
needed to know if he was reasonable.
I
often talk to young girls and women looking for a husband. I always tell them about my “100
question” days. I try to explain to them how important it is for them really
get to know someone they might marry; how important it is that they “start as
they mean to go on.”
What
I constantly see is women, and men, laser focused on making a good first
impression. Agreeing to everything. Avoiding anything uncomfortable.
I
also constantly see women represent Miss Nice and Perfect as quiet, supportive,
agreeable to a fault – never an opposing opinion or negative word so as to not
“upset” the future husband.
I
have even heard that men do not like smart or opinionated women. That talking “a
lot” makes men think you are not a “nice girl.”
My
how times have not changed.
This
is not only wrong and dangerous, but also, frankly, dishonest.
Imagine
“getting to know someone” not being themselves - instead being an extreme
version of Miss or Mr. Nice and Perfect. Then “poof!” after the “I do’s” the husband or wife finds out there has been a “bait and switch.” Or worse, the wife tries to
continue to be Miss Nice and Perfect, only to eventually crack – to the
complete shock of the husband (or vice versa).
It
is not really surprising a man might expect a dumb, docile, and quiet wife if that
is the version you show him. Nor is it surprising for a woman to find out she is married to a dictator if all she ever did before marriage was parrot his opinion and wishes.
Surely
it is better to quickly filter out types with those desires - or identify them if that is what you want.
It
is so much better to be yourself.
Yes,
it might scare him away. But isn’t it better to find out he is not up to the
challenge of you before marriage rather than after?
If
he stays around, he may not only be up to the challenge but also be more likely
to accept you for you - the whole you. I can tell you from experience, nothing beats being
accepted for yourself, warts and all.
It
is better to set up the expectation for communication before marriage and
continue to increase the communication after marriage rather than trying to force his acceptance of the real you "after the papers are signed."
Life
has confirmed what I learned from the romance novels.
Communication is key.
Lack of communication is the source of almost all problems. It leads to assumptions, often disastrously erroneous ones. It leads to distrust, misunderstandings, and
resentment.
I am
not suggesting women should share every thought in their head - men usually are
completely confused by the depth and variety of our thoughts anyway. Like it or not, it is no secret women and men
think differently.
But sharing
thoughts, concerns, and opinions are integral to understanding. Understanding
is the only way to create, and maintain, trust. Trust is a major ingredient in
relationships, especially for men.
So
communicating, sharing and discussing, is not just important after a
relationship is in place, but is one of the best ways to filter out the best
candidate before a relationship is formed.
Think
about it. Then talk about it.
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