Misunderstanding The Four Agreements

For years I heard about The Four Agreements but I never read the book. I always assumed I did not need to because I read the four agreements and 'understood' them. When I finally read the book, I realized I did not understand the four agreements at all.

Without having read the book or understood the concepts, I had intuitively integrated the concepts into my marriage since the beginning - but only my marriage.

Be Impeccable With Your Word

My interpretation of 'impeccable with your word' was: 'speak the truth,' 'keep your word,' 'do what you say, and say what you do.'

Once I read the book, I realized my complete misunderstanding.

I now understand the agreement actually means 'use words for good, avoid using words in negative ways against yourself or others.' That is a simple explanation because the book's description goes even deeper than that - but it's a start.

While discussing the concept with a friend, Tara, she said maybe it should be 'speak impeccably.' I agree. Funny how using the same words in a different order gives the phrase a completely different meaning.

Words as concepts, our 'agreement' of those concepts, and our ultimate power to change our interpretation of ourselves and life by reinterpreting our 'agreements' of what words mean, is actually the real point of the book.

But my misunderstanding did not stop at the first agreement.

Recipe: Mediterranean Orzo Salad

My husband loves salads but I cannot eat the same thing for more than two days in a row, so I am always experimenting with different salad combinations.

Here is my latest twist on what we call a salad. Enjoy!

Mediterranean Orzo Salad

3 cups cooked orzo, rinsed and drained
3/4 cup feta cheese, cubed
1 yellow bell pepper
1 red bell pepper
1 small red onion, chopped
1 small tomato, chopped
3/4 cup Kalamata olives, pitted and halved
1/4 cup basil, freshly chopped (half amount for dried)
3 tbsp vinegar (balsamic or rice)
2 tbsp extra virgin olive oil (or avocado oil)
1/2 tsp sea salt
1/2 tsp freshly ground pepper (optional)

Directions:

Combine vinegar, oil, salt, and pepper in a bowl. Whisk or stir.

Add orzo, cheese, peppers, onion, tomato, basil, and dressing. Toss.

Cover and refrigerate until serving or for up to 24 hours.

Serves 4.


Deedra Abboud is the founder of the Global Institute of Solution Oriented Leadership, a "rising tide raising all boats" resource on the art and science of finding solutions, not fault - at work, at home, and in the community. She is an author, keynote speaker, lawyer, and frequent media resource. When she's not helping clients or speaking at organization events, she's traveling the world.  At last count, she's been to over 15 countries including Bahrain, China, Egypt, France, Germany, Italy, Mexico, Turkey, United Arab Emirates, and the United Kingdom.

Creating Barriers to God

Nadeen, a woman I know, was considering whether to have a second child. Her struggles were normal: Can we afford it? Do I have the energy for two? Will I love both equally or enough?

Nadeen wanted to ask God for guidance.

As a Muslim, she wanted to perform a special supplication, called Salat Istikharah, to call on God to guide her in the decision.

However, Nadeen did not pray regularly, so she was unsure whether she could perform an extra supplication asking for God's guidance.

Nadeen contacted someone she considered knowledgeable about Islam and asked whether she, while not praying regularly, could still perform the special supplication.

Nadeen was told she could not perform the extra guidance supplication prayer because she did not pray regularly. 

She was told she had two options:

1) successfully pray regularly for a period of time, or
2) ask someone else who is practicing all the rituals in Islam to perform the supplication on her behalf.

When Nadeen shared the story with me I was completely floored - shocked to my very core, really.

I will state without hesitation or reservation that the person Nadeen asked may have knowledge about Islam, but completely lacks understanding of Islam or even God.

There are several very concerning issues with the response:

Fifth Grade: A Confusing Year

My fifth-grade year the school had added a new building. Half of fifth-grade was to be in the middle school building, next to the high school buildings, and the other half would share the building with elementary classes. The middle/high school buildings were completely separate from elementary - about half a mile away.

I really wanted to move to the high school location.

Unfortunately, I was assigned to Mrs. Lahnam's class, one of the teachers staying in the elementary building. 

But I was still excited because I would be in Mrs. Lahnam's class.

I already knew Mrs. Lahnam - her daughter and my sister were friends. My sister really liked Mrs. Lahnam and was one of her students during her fifth-grade year, so I knew I would enjoy Mrs. Lanham's class too. 

I was in for a surprise.

Recipe: Mubeen Salad

Early in my marriage, we were invited to dinner with some friends. I had met the hostess wife but we were not close friends, though we had friends in common - hence the invitation.

It was a nice dinner, good food, good company. Very enjoyable. The couple lived in Chandler while we lived in Phoenix, about a half hour drive - fairly normal for Arizona. 

The husband, who I had not met before, had made a dessert that I loved, so I asked for the recipe. He did not know a name for the dessert, so I named it after him - Mubeen Salad. 

It is a beautiful dessert for the warm summer months - cool and refreshing. Not the healthiest choice, but then it is dessert, so I never consider dessert as needing to be healthy as we don't have dessert all the time. 

Mubeen Salad

1 large tub Whip Cream

1 can condense milk

1 can mandarin oranges, crushed & drained (alternatively peaches or pineapple)

1/2 cup nuts, pecans or almonds

Combine all ingredients

Chill

Tips:

Single fruit or combined fruits are good

I prefer almonds, slivered, but my husband loves pecans, pieces

Deedra Abboud is the founder of the Global Institute of Solution Oriented Leadership, a "rising tide raising all boats" resource on the art and science of finding solutions, not fault - at work, at home, and in the community. She is an author, keynote speaker, lawyer, and frequent media resource. When she's not helping clients or speaking at organization events, she's traveling the world.  At last count, she's been to over 15 countries including Bahrain, China, Egypt, France, Germany, Italy, Mexico, Turkey, United Arab Emirates, and the United Kingdom.

Third and Fourth Grade Experiences and Lessons

While third grade was fairly uneventful, fourth grade had a bit more activity.

The Replacements

When we moved to Bryant Elementary, I remember two other kids that we went to school with. Todd and Aziza. While we lived in Alexander, they lived in Shannon Hills. Both were in the Bryant School district. Todd was in my class level and Aziza was in my sister's.

Thier significance was that my dad had remarried, and they were my dad's step-children.

Each Christmas we would go to my dad's house for Christmas. He would have a huge tree with lots of wrapped gifts underneath. We usually went for Christmas Eve to open the gifts.

He or his wife would hand each of us a gift or two, while Todd and Aziza would be given several gifts. Our gifts would usually be something small while their gifts would be name-brand clothes and the latest toys.

We noticed the difference.

Recipe: Bean & Pasta Salad

My husband and I practice a gluten-less lifestyle, so I buy gluten-free pasta. Neither of us has a gluten or wheat intolerance, unlike my niece, but we do feel gluten-free products leave us feeling more comfortable and less bloated after eating.

Fortunately, gluten-free kinds of pasta are more available now and are of better quality. When we visited Italy, we were told all Italian pasta are gluten-free because Italian pasta is less processed than US pasta. I have no idea if that is true, but we still focus on labeling in the US.

We gave up our microwave in 2011 when we moved to our new home, so we also attempt to avoid processed foods, mostly. A lot of foods I will make from scratch, such as Italian dressing and tomato sauce, and then only buy 'packaged' foods that have ingredients listed on the label that we can both read and recognize.

My husband's favorite foods are soups and salads, while my favorite foods are vegetables - like real vegetable dishes, not just salads. As a result, most of our meals feature these items, usually more than one.

Bean & Pasta Salad

Ingredients
3 cups (7 1/2 ounces) uncooked medium pasta shells
2/3 cup Italian dressing
1/2 cup Feta (cubed not crumbled)
1 medium carrot, shredded (1 cup)
1 medium red bell pepper, chopped (1 cup)
1 can (19 oz) red kidney beans, drained & rinsed
1 can (15 oz) chick peas (garbanzo beans), drained & rinsed
1 can (14.5 oz) organic diced tomatoes with Italian herbs or stewed tomatoes, drained
1/2 cup black olives, pitted
Salt & Pepper to taste

Directions
Cook and drain pasta as directed on package
Toss pasta and remaining ingredients. Serve warm or cold.

Tips:
Other types of beans also work in this salad, which can be a side or main dish.
Oil & Vinegar alone or with Italian seasoning can be substituted for the Italian dressing
Pasta shells should be cooked only to al dente
Dish is even better when allowed to marinate in refrigerator a few hours or the next day
Approximately 6 servings



Deedra Abboud is the founder of the Global Institute of Solution Oriented Leadership, a "rising tide raising all boats" resource on the art and science of finding solutions, not fault - at work, at home, and in the community. She is an author, keynote speaker, lawyer, and frequent media resource. When she's not helping clients or speaking at organization events, she's traveling the world.  At last count, she's been to over 15 countries including Bahrain, China, Egypt, France, Germany, Italy, Mexico, Turkey, United Arab Emirates, and the United Kingdom.

Second Grade: New School, New Challenges

During my second-grade year, we moved from Little Rock to Alexander, Arkansas. My mother had married my step-father and they "wanted a better life" by moving out of the city.

Interesting tidbit, they made a house trade deal with another family. They took our house and we took theirs. I think somebody had to pay the other a little on top, I think it was us. I thought the concept was very innovative at the time. I still think so.

Our house on Eddie Lane was a red brick house with a carport, a front yard, and a chain-link fence backyard. It had three bedrooms, three and a half baths, and a large den along the back of the house.


Alexander House

Our house in Alexander was a double-wide trailer with brown siding, permanently attached to brick blocks with brown skirting on the bottom. It had four bedrooms, two full baths, and no den. The original address was Rt 2 Box 306E, Alexander, Arkansas. That is not the address now and I am not sure what it is.

The house also looks much different now, it has been painted white, and is way smaller than I remember. LOL.

It had a huge grass front yard with a long gravel driveway from the road to the side of the house. The backyard was surrounded by a chainlink fence. We had a sandbox, pool (surrounded by a tall wooden fence), an orchard, a chicken coop, a dog pen, and a huge field also separated by a fence.

The orchard included three apple trees, a peach tree, a pear tree, and a cherry tree, as well as grape and strawberry vines along the fence.

The chicken coop had chickens, ginny pigs (small chickens), a rooster, a male turkey, and a row of rabbit pins.

For a time, when my dad returned to live with us for a while, we had Beagles in the dog pin for hunting.

The large attached field was divided into two sections. The back section was just woods. The front section had goats and pigs as well as a vegetable garden at various times.

To the right side of the house was a dirt road leading to two houses behind us. On the other side of the road was a forest owned by Reynold's Aluminum Plant. It was not fenced off and we often played there. For some unknown reason, the forest in the back of our field was scary but the huge forest next to us was not.

The forest across the dirt road is now full of houses while the dirt road has been paved and extended.

Concept of Pain in My Early Years

I remember getting my ears pierced. I do not remember my exact age but I was definitely under five years old because I had earrings in kindergarten. Each day when I would lay down for naptime, the posts poked the skin behind my ears and gave me ear aches - so I would remove them and place them on the floor beside my mat. Of course, I always forgot after I woke up.

I lost a lot of earrings, much to my grandmother's frustration.

Ear Piercing

My sisters and I all had our ears pierced at the same time at a salon down the street from our home on Eddie Lane in Little Rock, Arkansas. I wasn't scared at all; I was excited. I wanted earrings so bad.

My oldest sister, eight years my senior, went first. She cried like you would not believe. She screamed when the technician used the "gun" to do the piercing and cried for an hour afterward.

Now I was scared. I started crying a little bit but I really wanted the earrings, so I went ahead - expecting to feel pain like I had never felt before.

Nothing.

It was a small pop and poke. It was over before I even realized what had happened. The pain was nothing.

That was the first time I recognized people have different pain tolerances; that some people can handle things better than others.

Random Memory Snippets On Eddy Lane

7115 Eddy Lane, 2016

Our house, 7115 Eddy Lane, was a red brick house with a carport, a front yard, and a backyard surrounded by a chainlink fence. It also had green bushes, which we called "hedges," along the short walkway from the driveway to the front door.[Now removed]

The second house from the main street, Oak Grove Lane, our house was separated from the first house on the street by a chainlink fence covered in honeysuckles. [Now removed] We used to suck the nectar from the honeysuckles in the summer.

I loved it but I had to be careful because I was allergic to bee stings. Not deathly allergic, as in had to be rushed to the hospital for a Penicillin shot, just allergic - as in had to take Benedryl, would swell a lot (if stung on pinky, would swell to elbow), and would need to sleep for several hours. 

My mom was allergic to bees (she became deathly allergic when she got older) and my dad was allergic to Penicillin. They were scared one of their children would get both allergies. That would have been a big problem because there was no alternative to Penicillin at the time. Luckily, two of us got bee allergies and none of us got a Penicillin allergy.

To the Right

The first house on the street, the one separated by honeysuckles, which was to the right when facing our house, had an above ground pool in their backyard. A few of times we snuck over the fence and swam in it. We weren't supposed to, and the people caught us a couple of times.

Back

Along the back of the yard was the back of the houses facing the next street over, Fairfield Drive. The house directly behind us was a family that had a daughter the same age as my oldest sister. They were friends. The mother also provided daycare and I was one of her charges. 

I hated naps. She would lay us down each day and I would lay there quietly, maybe play quietly with the bedcovers or my fingers, daydreaming - but not sleep. Sometimes she would come to the room after a while, let me get up and play in the backyard until the other kids woke up - as long as I kept quiet. 

Because our yards were separated by the chainlink fence, often she would hand me over the fence to my mom when she got home from work.