Greeting Me Softly

A lot of people ask me about shaking hands with Muslims.  Between same genders it is not a problem. For opposite genders, my advice is to wait and see if the Muslim offers their hand.  If they do, shake it. If not, no need to put your hand out there. 

It is not personal.  It is not a testament to your inferiority if a Muslim of the opposite gender prefers not to shake your hand. Some Muslims do shake hands with the opposite gender and some do not. Other than the "wait and see" approach, or to ask to directly, there is no way of knowing which Muslims do or do not shake hands with opposite genders.

Unlike most people, this was not a foreign concept for me. I grew up in Arkansas and many among the older generations, even among some of the Fundamentalist Southern Baptists of all ages, did not shake hands with the opposite gender. In fact, many years ago “Dear Abby” answered this very question about the etiquette of men shaking hands with women.  She gave the same advice.

It's Not Me, It's You...

When I was a junior in high school (in Bryant, Arkansas), the school was debating whether to implement minimum performance testing for tenth-graders. If the sophomores failed the minimum performance test, they would not advance to their junior year, regardless of their grades.  As part of gathering of information, the school officials decided to survey the students for their thoughts on the subject.  The senior and junior results showed overwhelming support for the new policy. (I personally opposed it as unfair because grades suddenly became worthless.) On the other hand, the sophomores and freshmen overwhelmingly opposed it.

The school ultimately decided not to implement the policy at the time - likely because parents were outraged... well, the parents that had kids younger than juniors anyway.

I always wondered why the seniors and juniors voted for the policy.  I did realize they were past that stage, but didn’t they understand how it would have affected them, how much they would have not liked it, had they been just a year or two younger?

A Rose By Any Other Name...

How is your Allah different from the God of Christianity and Judaism?

As a diversity expert I am often asked this question when I am invited as a speaker.  Regardless of the topic, this is often one of the first questions, or something similar.

The simple answer is . . . there is no difference.

God is the English term for “God.”  Other languages have other terms:  Elohim (Hebrew), Dios (Spanish), Khoda (Farsi), Bod (Russian), Dio (Italian), Gott (German), Jah (Jamaican), Kami (Japanese), and Allah (Arabic). Every single language has a word for God, and very few of them are the same as the English word, though a few are similar.

Allah is the Arabic word meaning literally “the God.” The Arabic language pre-dates Muhammed and the message of Islam by about a thousand years. Prior to the message of Islam, the region was rife with people of faith, including both Judaism and Christianity - so Arabic speakers used the word "Allah" even then. 

The Arabic word for “the God” is also the same word still used by Arab-speaking members of other faiths today, such as Arab Christians. Yes, there are many Arab Christians. In fact, around half of the Arab population in the United States is Arab Christian. They did not convert; they were born into their faith. So Arab Christians, and even Bibles written in Arabic, use the word “Allah” for “the God.”

You Think Being "The Exception" Is A Compliment?

I remember growing up in Arkansas and hearing people talk about African Americans very badly. Without even thinking about it, people would make the most stereotypical and offensive comments, sometimes actually in front of an African American. Usually, but not always, the speaker would realize an African American was present and say, “Oh, I don’t mean you. You’re different,” and then continue with the conversation as though everything was normal.

And to the speaker, everything was normal. In the speaker’s mind, since he or she was acknowledging that the African American present was the “exception,” almost like it was a compliment, the speaker thought he or she was being very nice.

Clearly, the African American did not see the situation in the same light – and felt anything but complimented.

Another comment I often heard growing up, usually before or after a racist comment, was “I am not prejudice, I have a black friend” or “… I have black friends.”

I heard the exact same comments referencing Jews and Mexicans.

And over the last ten years or so, I have been hearing the comments referencing Muslims – even more so lately.  The media, Facebook posts, and political posturing are actually small in the scheme of things. Even the “exception,” “you’re different,” and “I have a Muslim friend” comments at work and at social gatherings might even be tolerable - only just tolerable.

The real pain and suffering comes when your family is made up of different ethnicities or religions, some minorities themselves. Family members who have known you all your life, who you have always been close to, who consider themselves close to you now. Today even your family. . . your blood . . . normally your supporters in life, are starting to make the same comments. 

Nothing hurts more than for your mother, your father, your sister, your brother, your niece, your nephew, or even your in-laws to make hurtful or racist comments about your religion or your spouse’s ethnicity . . . and then turn to you and say, “Not you. I was not talking about you.  I know you’re not like that,” and continue with the conversation like everything is normal, with absolutely no idea what has just happened . . . . 

That even among close family members, “exceptions” has become the new normal.

Have you ever experienced your family or friends holding you up as the "exception?"

Have you ever held someone else out as the "exception?"