Changing Men

The biggest trap women fall into is trying to change men.

This often manifests in a "nice" girl falling for a "bad" boy. Usually she believes her "love" will change him for the better. Bad idea on many levels.

First, no person can change another person. Only two things create change:

    1) a person wants to change and is willing to do the work to change

    2) a person changes his or her actions, which then changes the reaction

Have you ever known a person, or seen a movie, where a woman was constantly trying to change man (how he dresses or losing weight, for example), while he resists? Then they breakup and suddenly everything she tried to get him to do he starts doing? It is a common theme.

The number one thing men hate is women trying to control them - and trying to change him in any way, even if for his own good, is interpreted by men as trying to control them.

That is not to say men are completely unwilling to change some things. It just means how the changes are approached is key.  Suggestions, not demands. Actions and reactions.

Some examples of how to encourage change are:

Daddy Issues

Women tend to subconsciously choose a mate based on their relationship with their fathers. If the father's love was unpredictable (sometimes loving, sometimes distant; withdrawing love as a form of punishment), the girl will usually choose a man who is similar.

Somehow we seem to choose what we know, usually without even realizing it, and even if it makes us unhappy. This is often manifested into the classic girl falling for a "bad" boy.

Occasionally, a woman will be aware of the behavior, and that she does not like it, and therefore, consciously choose a man who displays different characteristics. 

Sometimes a girl just gets lucky and happens to fall for a man without the negative characteristics of her father.

While the best situation is a father who cherishes his daughter and always makes her feel loved and valued, even this can cause a woman to be taken advantage of if she is not aware that this is not always true of all men. 

A father should not only treat his daughter as a jewel and protect her, he should also teach her the difference between good and bad behavior towards women, so she knows what to expect as well as what not to tolerate.

* Deedra is originally from Arkansas; an attorney in Scottsdale, Arizona; a diversity expert and motivational speaker with The Ambassador Project; and has a blog at askdeedra.com where she shares her perspectives based on questions and experiences. Follow Deedra on Twitter @askdeedra

Thoughts on Relationships

While no person should "change" "who you are" for another person, compromise is the foundation of any relationship - romantic or not.

The best way to retain "who you are" and still compromise is to know your worth and be willing to walk away if you are the only one willing to compromise or if "changing who you are" becomes a requirement to "please" the other person.

This requires both knowing yourself and having boundaries.

Too many people, especially women, have problems with each, regardless of their educational level or career advancement. I have worked with women who appear to ooze confidence in their career and yet are in the most unhealthy, even abusive, romantic relationships. The most popular girl in my high school - the beauty queen, the top cheerleader, the student counsel leader - married an abuser straight out of high school.

Neither beauty nor intelligence will protect a women. Only self-worth will do it.

Who Are You?

You need to get to know yourself, first.

Beauty As An Asset

In most western cultures, and some eastern cultures too, I see women striving for the ultimate beauty and youthfulness. I hear women lamenting their own lack of beauty, practically worshipping famous people they believe are successful because of their beauty, and always looking for the new beauty "trick" - whether diet, exercise, anti-aging cream, or fashion.

There is absolutely no problem with women wanting to be "beautiful" - however they define it - or always working to improve their image. I do, however, prefer when women are working to improve their "image" for themselves rather than others.

I knew a woman married for over thirty years. She was always on a diet. She always dressed in the top fashions, with clothes that complemented her body. She always wore make-up to enhance her looks. She owned just about every anti-aging cream on the luxury market and used them religiously. She went to the salon regularly, sometimes daily, to have her hair done in the most fashionable styles. She exercised and even had liposuction to have the "perfect" body. She made herself beautiful before her husband came home from work every day.

Diversity in Circle of Friends

I often hear the advice of "surround yourself with like-minded people and supporters."

To an extent that is true. When we are stretching ourselves into new territory, supporters and people who "get it" is vastly important.

At the same time, too much support, with no "realists" or "negative Nancy's" can also be dangerous.

We need to hear different perspectives.

Both my real friends and Facebook friends are very diverse. I do not not always agree with everything my "friends" say. I do not always agree with their opinions. In fact, some of their opinions not only make me shake my head, but some even make my blood boil.