Solving Problem Between Two Brothers

Dear Deedra,

I am friends with two brothers, one of them is a very close friend. Despite living in the same city, they have not spoken or visited each other in several years. During that time, their children have gotten married, had children of their own, and two of their siblings died. Neither attend the weddings or births of the other, and each had separate gatherings following the sibling deaths.

My best friend did not invite his brother to any of his family events and told me his brother has never called him or invite him to any of his family events.  The other brother said he has called several times, but his brother never answers and never calls back, and that his son had personally visited his uncle to deliver the invitation for his own wedding, but my friend's family still did not attend.

I know it is because my best friend's wife does not like the brother or his family. I know she is the problem. She does not want her husband to have anything to do with his brother, so he doesn't.

I want to bring the brothers together. I hate being in the middle. Both the brothers complain to me every time I see them. I keep trying to get them together, without the wife. The other brother always agrees but my best friend has absolutely refused to meet his brother to try to solve the problem.

What should I do?

Brother Problem Solver

Dear Brother Problem Solver:

My Father Loves My Brothers More Than Me

Dear Deedra, 

My parents divorced when I was young. My two brothers and I grew up with my dad. Ever since I can remember, I felt my father always preferred my brothers over me. No matter what my brothers do, my dad always praises them to others. No matter what I do, my father talks bad about me to others, or simply does not acknowledge me at all. He never says anything negative to my brothers, no matter what they do, while he cannot seem to say anything positive about me. 

I have always tried to please my dad. I got an education. I got married. I became a mother. I always try to be respectful to my dad, even when he is being disrespectful to me or my friends. I always try to be available to help him in any way he needs me.

Even though my brothers have not accomplished anything and barely even visit him much less do anything for him. My father still praises them all the time but never says anything good about me.

I know it is my responsibility to take care of my father but it is getting harder and harder for me to have patience with him when all he ever does it put me down.

What should I do? 

Desperate Daughter

Dear Desperate Daughter:

I Helped Her But She Has No Manners

Dear Deedra, 

There is a family I have helped over the years when I could. One of the daughters started a fundraising campaign for a once in a lifetime opportunity. She sent me, and everyone else, a mass email asking us to donate to her campaign. I thought it was a little cold, that she should have sent individual emails or even called. I decided to donate anyway. She then sent an email saying thank you but it seemed like a general email to each donor, again cold. 

I am trying to decide what to do. The young people today have no manners. They do not understand the value of sending personal thank you letters, even if by email, that make a person feel good about their help. They are so ungrateful. Should I talk to her about her lack of manners?

Sincerely, 

Not Feeling Good About Being Helpful

Dear Not Feeling Good About Being Helpful:

The Incessant Use of Sex as Power and Control Over Women

When I read about the women in the Baltimore public housing being forced to trade sex for basic repairs, I became almost physically ill. Not only did I find the existence of this predatory practice in this day and age extremely upsetting, but it reminded me of a story from my own past that I had not thought about in many years. 

When I was about eleven or twelve, one of my sisters and I lived with my father. My parents were divorced. My father was our softball couch. He began dating one of the mothers of one of my teammates, who was also divorced. I will call the mother "Stacey."

My sister and I would often go to her home to hang out with her two daughters, who were about the same age as us, while our parents chatted in the kitchen or went out on dates. We also went there to hang out without my dad. 

Another member of the team, "Laura," lived down the street. "Stacey" was friends with "Laura's" mom, so "Laura" would often join us. "Stacey" had HBO so we really enjoyed ourselves. I saw The Blue Lagoon for the first time at her home. [Probably not age appropriate.]

Racism in America: Not Better, Just Different

Several years ago, before Katrina even, I was on a panel at Arizona State University to discuss racism in the present day United States. After we each made our presentations, we opened it up for questions from the audience. 

Image Credit: Jonathan Pincas via Flickr

A woman stood up and said she felt from our presentations that racism in the United States was really bad but she believed it was better than before. She asked whether we believed it was better.

I responded that no, I did not believe it was better, just different.  

By no means did I intend to diminish the horrible actions against minorities in the past. Lynching of African Americans is no doubt one of the most shocking and deplorable parts of the American past - as was the extermination of Native Americans.  A perusal of history finds other groups also targeted for death, even if not to the same extent.